This topic contains 103 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by 7 hours, 17 minutes ago.
October 29, 2013 at 7:49 pm #8106
SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE
….It takes less than 15 seconds….If you are over 45 yrs. old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer’s Test
How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
1. _ _NDOM
2. F_ _K
You got all 6 wrong….didn’t you?
You do NOT have Alzheimer’s.
but you may be a pervert.October 30, 2013 at 6:04 am #8125
>> Happy Halloween
>> >>> Cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.
>> >>> She asks him why he is staring.
>> >>> He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you”
>> >>> She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
>> >>> “Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
>> >>> She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”
>> >>> The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!
>> >>> “OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
>> >>> The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
>> >>> But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
>> >>> “My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
>> >>> “Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
>> >>> The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”
>>October 30, 2013 at 6:40 am #8126
91 PostsOctober 31, 2013 at 6:39 pm #8257
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out
the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street
BUMP… BUMP… BUMP…
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket
bouncing quickly behind him
BUMP… BUMP… BUMP…
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door,
rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His
heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a
bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket… and,(hopefully you’re
really ready for this!!!)
The coffin stops!November 5, 2013 at 6:37 pm #8478
Men are deep thinkers. I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said ‘nothing’. The reason I said that instead of saying ‘just thinking’ is because she would have said ‘about what’. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions. After I thought about that, I began to think about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I came up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.” On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.” I rest my case. Time for another beer and more deep thinking.November 8, 2013 at 11:02 am #8674
A guy has a robot that is also a lie detector.
He is having dinner with his wife and son and he asks his son “where were you last night?”
The son replies, “I was at the library”
The robot slaps him
The son says”OK, I was at Johnny’s house”
The father asks “What were you doing?”
The son answers “we were studying”
The robot slaps him.
The son says “OK, we were watching porn”.
The father says “At your age!!! I didn’t watch any of that until I was in my twenties”
The robot slaps him.
His wife chuckles and says “He certainly is your son”
The robot slaps her.November 10, 2013 at 5:55 pm #8784
Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous.
Recently, a female sheriff’s deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. ‘You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around’ he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. ‘Guess I was really into it, y’know?’ he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff’s car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him.
‘It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,’ said Deputy Taylor. ‘I walked up to Lawrence and he’s just humping away at this pumpkin.’
Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. ‘I said: ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin?’
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: ‘A pumpkin? Shit … is it midnight already?’
The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10. and sent on his way.
The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as “The best come-back line ever.”November 12, 2013 at 5:28 pm #8915
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. On all your check stubs, write ‘For Marijuana’.
3. Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get.
4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
5. Sing along at the opera.
6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I Won! I Won!”
7. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “Run for your lives! They’re loose!”
8. Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.
It’s Called….. THERAPYNovember 15, 2013 at 5:34 pm #9071
BEAR INTERRUPTS PHOTO SHOOT
Bloody dangerous place Canada… the bears are huge and very curious…
See what happens when a huge brown bear decides to take a closer look at a film shoot for a washing machineNovember 15, 2013 at 7:53 pm #9081
RE: BEAR INTERRUPTS PHOTO SHOOT
That was a good one.November 16, 2013 at 8:18 pm #9106
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People —
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack…
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is
just too icky.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. except for Ed
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
Men Are Just Happier People
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,
Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer
to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even
though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and
none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators…YEP!!!
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man
would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and
hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people
remembering the same thing!November 18, 2013 at 8:34 pm #9170
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.November 19, 2013 at 4:31 pm #9212
The Pope’s Golf Match
The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from
Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. “Your Holiness”, said
one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to
a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit
shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held
a golf club in his hand. “Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent
me?” he asked.
“None that plays very well,” a Cardinal replied. “But,” he added,
“there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is
a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then
ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal
representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of
cooperation, we’ll also win
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of
course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day
after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform
the Pope of the result. “I have some good news and some bad
news, your Holiness, ” said the golfer.
“Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope.
“Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve
played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was
the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired
from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were
accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all
due respect, my play was truly miraculous.
“There’s bad news?”, the Pope asked.
“Yes,” Nicklaus sighed. “I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by seven
strokes.”November 20, 2013 at 6:00 pm #9239
Little Johnny watched his daddy’s car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and
started to tell his mother.’Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt..Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane…’
At this point Mummy cut him off and said, ‘Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.’
At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, ‘I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped
Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.’
Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!November 20, 2013 at 6:08 pm #9240
Older Employee Notice!
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS – Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
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